Captain of the Innuendo Squad. (brandinsbabe) wrote,
Captain of the Innuendo Squad.

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i woke up so bummed out yesterday. haha just like everyday. nothin was helping. vito was being vito...and i just needed him for like 5 minutes. he wanted to go out to the park and read and help me go fill out job applications. we sat down and i filled one out but by the time i was done, i didnt really feel like going to look for one. i was upset that i didnt have a certain shirt or something and i wanted to hide my arms cause then no one would hire me...anyway so we decided to do laundry instead...

i just realized how much i dont want to write about yesterday and rehash the whole thing. we had an arguement and then we made up, and then annie came over blah blah blah. afterwards we went to dtut which was fun. but i wish annie never came over. oh was no big deal. I'm just glad vito and i made up. that had to be one of the worst ones yet, besides him almost breaking up with me the other day. ugh. but i talked to my mom and she finally said she would help us. thats awsome. so maybe he doesnt have to go home. She also said she read a book about depression and she is starting to understand how i felt.

tonight we are going to a suicidegirls dinner. that should be fun. cute girls, funness. lol. i hope it works out. then we are gonna go see donnie darko with jensen and annie wants to come. i know vito will want her to even thogh i dont. whatever. things are good, i just want to keep it that way...

So i guess maybe i will write about some of it. Yesterday i asked Vito if he could go bakc to one day in the past and start from there, where would it be. he had to think about it for a while, but then he said the day i ran out of money, because they he would have told me to either get a job, or i would have to go back to buffalo...without him. now this really hurt me. was all this not worth it just for the money? was that more important to him than all the things we shared? then he told me if he had to pick something else, he would change the fact that we moved in together. it caught me off guard. i couldnt believe he would actually change something that would mean us maybe not being together. i felt like he thinks i am hurting him more than helping him. i would never want to hurt him. then all afternnon i was thinking, maybe i should go back to buffalo. maybe thats what he to just leave, and then he would be happier. he would get his money and i would go. i dont think i had ever beenhurt that bad by him before. and he is like, i just know this will end badly...but we have been working everything out. i couldnt believe he would say that. when he says he loves me, what does that mean to him? what do i mean to him. he wrote that he loves me very much and i mean the world to him, but do i really? anyway...we talked it over with me crying as usual, and he told me he doesnt want me to leave, and that he was just scared. i dont remember all that went on after that, i just know we worked it out and what he meant maybe didnt come out right, or maybe i percieved it wrong. or maybe i didnt and iam just letting it go because i love him...but thats when i called my mom and begged her to help us out. cause i cant live like this.

then we were laying in bed together getting all hot and horny lol, and he wanted annie to come over and do it with her. he said that makeup sex was always the best with the two of us so why not let it be the 3 of us. so at first i really didnt want to, but i felt ok about the two of us, and i knew he really wanted to, and i guess i hoped it would be better then i imagined. so i said ok. we called her over and she got here an hour later. we fixed my bed and then we started fooling around. after a little while vito wanted to do it already. i could tell everyone was nervous. so he went inside of her and i could tell she didnt like it. she was in a lot of pain. so he kept going back and forth, mostly concentrating on her , which was ok since i guess it was her thing or whatever. i felt like vito was pushing a little, but she didnt say anything so it wasnt his fault. when we were done, she started crying and like kissing me. i felt really weird but glad it was over. god, do i NOT want to ever do that again. even writing this was ahrd cause i feel so grossed out. its like ok that was it, now i dont really want to do it again. and she better not get clingy cause she knows this is just a foolign around thing. ugh. then we went to the coffee house and vito was all worried about her, and i'm just like, please... i talked to her later and everything was ok. vito just always wants to think that he has to help every girl...that alll of them are hurting. he needs to see past that and realize that not everyone has a fucked up life. annie just feels pathetic cause she still lives at home. no big. anyway, the thing i lovedd about that was watching vito...that made it worth it. his body looked so beautiful moving like that. i never get to see that when he is with me. it was so nice to watch...when i didnt think about annie. i really wish he would let go so we could find someone else. she grosses me out. its like as soon as she came in the door and i smelled her, i changed my mind. i bet he will be worried about hurting her now. but that was the whole point of me not wanting to do it in the first place, so he better not be. i almost wish we didnt do it now thou. i always feel gross after being with her...and i feel like it always causes some sort of tension between vito and i. its soooooooooooo not worth it...

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