Captain of the Innuendo Squad. (brandinsbabe) wrote,
Captain of the Innuendo Squad.

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why am i so lonely?? isnt it not supposed to be this way anymore? maybe its just me then...maybe nothing will stop it ever. i want to cry but i hate crying. i used to not be able to cry. and i cried too much in my dream last night. i dreamt that everyone left me. i wanted to go with them but they didnt want me to. i begged and cried but they said they didnt want me there. no one ever wants me there. i know i should get used to being alone but i cant. how can i when all those years i was so alone, and i just wanted to be loved, and then finally i was. how can i go back to that? how can i pretend like nothing ever happened and go back to being so alone, forever craving what i had...

i am hungry now, but there is nothing to eat. we havent gone shopping in months. we eat pizza and jello and cereal. that stuff is not expensive. last night we watched the pilot episode of the x-files. vito wants to watch all of them with me. last night i felt comfort. comfort that i used to when i watched the xfiles. i was in my world. my own world where no one could hurt me, and for an hour i wasnt alone. and i felt that again last night, and vito was there and i felt safe, and such comfort from deep within.

Tonight we might go see a movie. i want to either see the secretary, or igby goes down. both of them look really good. he wants her to come along though. id rather never see her again. whatever. all i want is a caramel finger and a chocolate smoothy from my coffee place. but its too expensive for me now. and i dont want him to get mad again. i'm sorry i am depressed. it always ruins everything. so let me stop talking...

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