Captain of the Innuendo Squad. (brandinsbabe) wrote,
Captain of the Innuendo Squad.

  • Mood:

fucking depression

these past few days have been unbearable. I dont even want to write anything about it, but i always end up regretting that when i look back at old entries. but i just dont even know where to start. plus its 5am and i havent slept yet. soooooo tired. so atleast i am taking my full dose of meds now. i hope they work. i am so scared that they wont. so lets see, what can i say about the last few days. i almost dont even remember. all i remember is that i felt so alone. i was depressed and hopeless and really wanting to die. i was thinking of different ways i could kill myself and when i would do it. i just cried and cried for a lot of the time, and nothing helped. when people talked to me, it was like i wasnt even there.

it didnt matter if my body wasnt dead, because to me it feels like i am dead already. every second i feel dead inside. and i felt ignored, and i felt like a charity case. community service time for being with csilla. and once the two hours are up, the job is done. so we talked about this with my therapist (we decided to split up the therapy, half the time for ocuples therapy and half the time for just me. i was completely detached and hated the fact that i was even there,but eventually we worked a few things out and mae plans. so i felt a little more hopeful...

we put up my little shelf in my room. it looks really nice. i feel almost at home now. Vito helped a lot, it was really awsome. i felt likehe cared. i'm so glad therapy helped. then i gave him the best blowjob of his life lol. too much porn lol. and then he fooled around with me, which was nice cause i have been needing it for so long.

my sister is coming over today to help me make halloween stuff. i totally cant wait. we are going to have so much fun. i hope everything goes ok. i am so excited for halloween. i hope it turns out as well as i imagine it will.

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