we went to josh's house today for his birthday. vito didnt want to go(he made a whole big deal out of it the other day, after he already told me he was gonna go), so i told him he didnt have to, but then i wasnt gonna go. i would just feel too weird, and hurt, and there was gonna be way too many people there. so then he decided he was gonna go, but he kinda made me feel bad about it, so i didnt really know how i felt about the whole thing. then my dad got here and he was mad cause vito was coming i guess, and vito had to talk to him about how much he didnt want to go the other night. And he was mad at my mom or something. so at that point i completely didnt want to go, but i kinda couldnt change my mind. so we got there and josh wasnt there yet. he didnt know i was coming, it was gonna be a surprise for him. so he got there and was soooo surprised and happy to see me. it was nice. their house was being renovated so it looked really messy but cool.
it was really good to see andrea. we hung out most of the night.we talked about school and stuff. she gave me this really pretty candle holder. it was good to see josh too. he was really busy with his whole family though. there were like 30 people there. it was so crowded and overwhelming.
diner was really cool. they just ordered a whole bunch of chinese food which was surprisingly good, and everyone just passed it back and forth the really long table. 25 people, yikes. then for desert they had all these cakes i think i tried all of them lol.
vito ended up sleeping upstairs the whole time. i felt a little shitty about that cause i felt like i was left there alone. josh and andrea were all lovey dovey and i was kinda just sitting there alone. as i knew i would... but vito came down for desert. i was just happy he was there. i knew he didnt want to be, so i felt like i should just accept it and be greatful. then my mom was giving me a problem about when she wanted to leave. i told them i wanted to leave really late cause i knew josh would be busy with his family, and then after they left i figured we would hang out and talk. but she didnt want to do that. she wanted to leave with everyone else. i finally started to get itno talking with josh when everyone was pushing to leave, but alteast we talked a little. I gave them the bracelets that i made. they really loved them.
it was good to catch up with them, i dont ever want to fall out of touch with them, no matter how hard it is. sometimes i look at them, and see how much josh loves andrea. sometimes i wonder if that could have been me. but then when we came home i was feeling realy shitty, and i felt like vito was being weird with me. i was also upset about my medication and just how worthless i feel. so i couldnt take it anymore. i just broke down crying, and really upset. and he just took care of me. we fooled aeround which was nice cause it took my mind off of things. but i was still upset i had another panick attack, it took me forever to calm down from that. but vito was so great about it. he was so loving and wonderful. and i know how special he is for that. and i see how much vito loves me.
in the end i guess its all worth it. whatever that means hehe.