Captain of the Innuendo Squad. (brandinsbabe) wrote,
Captain of the Innuendo Squad.
brandinsbabe

  • Mood:

why am i such a waste...

yesterday...well its hard for me to explain, but i will try my hardest. i dont even remember what happened during the day. just random nothing i guess. then at night, i was supposed to go to my parents house with vito. it was my moms birthday. i made her this really cute card and i was gonna buy her flowers. but the closer to the time it was that we had to go, the more i didnt want to go. and then vito told me that he wasnt going to go. i was pretty upset. i didnt want to go out or see anybody, not even my parents. and it would be even harder without vito. i got up and tried to go take a shower and i just couldnt. i sat on the toilet nad just cried and i was having a major panick attack. it got so bad i couldnt breath anymore and i couldnt feel my leg. i was having a mental breakdown. i couldnt see straight and i was just hysterical. it was horrible. i felt like i was gonna die right there.

i tried to calm down. vito came over a little but then he left cause he couldnt handle it or something. i tried to go to my bed but i couldnt even stand up. eventually i made my way over, still hysterical. i just wanted vito to come over and be with me, hold me, help me or something. i needed to calm down so bad. but he was just getting annoyed or something and he said he was gonna call the hospital. so i was freaking out cause i didnt want to go to a hospital. i begged him not to so instead he called my parents and told them to come over and get me cause i might have to go to a hospital. i was so angry and felt betrayed. i didnt want to see anyone but him. especially not my family. i was begging him to call them back and tell them not to come. i knew if he just payed attention to me for a few seconds even, i would be ok. but he kept ignoring me and just turning away, refusing to listen to what i had to say. i felt totally defeated, like i had no one in the whole world.

so i probably should have gone to the hospital, but i just cant bring myself to do that...it scares the shit out of me. so today we went to my psychiatrist. he FINALLY prescribed me for some meds to help with my social anxiety. he says its like vallium, which i dunno about, but i know people with my kind of anxiety take it and it helps them. its a really strong drug though. i guess i need it. i guess i always knew it was that bad.

then i get home and i realize that i dont have my glasses. fucking world. i knew i shouldnt have gone out today.
Subscribe

  • (no subject)

    Not going to dragon con this year is such a fucking bummer. Mostly for the friends and the hang outs, and just the whole atmosphere of the thing.…

  • lesbians and bisexuals

    I think this is really important, so I'm putting it here for my reference and for others, too. The original video is 'What lesbians think about…

  • (no subject)

    When its one thirty AM and I'm trying to figure out whether to continue my Orphan Black rewatch or start rewatching Terminator: The Sarah Connor…

  • Post a new comment

    Error

    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

  • 34 comments

  • (no subject)

    Not going to dragon con this year is such a fucking bummer. Mostly for the friends and the hang outs, and just the whole atmosphere of the thing.…

  • lesbians and bisexuals

    I think this is really important, so I'm putting it here for my reference and for others, too. The original video is 'What lesbians think about…

  • (no subject)

    When its one thirty AM and I'm trying to figure out whether to continue my Orphan Black rewatch or start rewatching Terminator: The Sarah Connor…