OUR SO-CALLED COLUMN #9: EXIT BUFFY, STAGE RIGHT Post #1
By Lauren Dougherty (email@example.com) and Anthony Zisa (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Lost Scene
EXT. SUNNYDALE CEMETERY
Angel and Buffy stare at one another.
So, Spike, huh?
Angel, it’s not…
No, I’m okay. I just… I don’t know… Isn’t
he a little… short?
Well, I always thought you liked taller guys.
Like Riley. I mean, what do you see in him?
(considers) Don’t answer that.
Angel, it’s not…
Were you more attracted to me when I was
evil? Is that the attraction?
Spike’s not evil. Well, not anymore, at least.
“…has a soul,” yeah, we know already!
They look around, find nothing, and shrug.
He’s different. Besides, didn’t you have a
son by Darla?
Touché. She had a soul, too, you know.
Oh, really? Is there, like, just a shop you
can buy these things in?
Apparently. It’s not just the evil thing,
anyway. It’s just… it’s Spike, you know?
Okay. I see your point. I sort of felt the
same back in high school when Cordelia
would hit on you.
Oh. Heh. I… see…
Wait. (realization dawning) You didn’t.
Not quite in so many words.
And I kissed you?
Come on, B. Cordelia’s not all that bad.
If you ignore her being evil and all.
What are you doing here?
Like I’d miss this reunion for the
Wait, Cordelia was evil?
Not so much…
She was totally evil, B. Big Bad down
in LA and all that jazz.
This is TOO perfect.
Look, she wasn’t evil, okay? She was just
possessed by an ancient evil who has
been manipulating events in my life
and the lives of my friends for the past
four seasons in order to be birthed into
the world in order to subjugate the
entirety of the human race. These things
Faith and Buffy just look at him.
I’d give anything to go back to the
days when “evil lawyers” would
Besides, B, you shouldn’t be laying
a guilt trip out on Angel. The way
Willow was telling it, you were making
with the two timing on Spike, anyway.
Not that Principal Wood isn’t one fine
specimen of man, though…
Now THIS is too perfect.
It was only dinner! Besides, it was…
You keep telling yourself that, B.
Spike enters the cemetery.
Ahh ha! Caught in the act! And badly
coiffed, if I do say so myself.
I’ve had enough. As if you’re one to
criticize anyone’s hair.
Excuse me, mate?
Ring, ring. Hey, pot. It’s kettle. You’re black.
Oh, that is it.
Umm, B? Aren’t you going to, I dunno, stop
them or something?
Of course. In a minute. This is way better than
in the dreams.
Sister’s disturbed! (considers) Though she does
have a point.
Principal Wood enters.
Kick his ass, Angel!
What are you doing here?
Faith told me your old boyfriend who hates
Spike and would love nothing more than to
drive a sharp piece of wood through his
unbeating heart was going to be meeting with
you and Spike. I thought it might be fun to
watch, as I detest Spike who killed my Slayer
mother back in the Seventies.
Hey, I’ve been in prison for the past three seasons.
This passes for a date there.
Giles, Xander, Willow, and Dawn enter.
So, I’m torn. You don’t suppose they could both
end up in an urn here, could they?
Faith, did you tell EVERYONE?
I swear it wasn’t me.
Robin mentioned it in passing.
Oh, silly me. I forgot we refer to authority
figures solely by their last name on this show.
Nothing. I just got this season’s running
Anyway, continue on as if we’re not even
here. Lord knows the soap opera that is
your love life is far more important than
I told you that you could stay home
and watch the Potentials.
Sod off and die.
So, let me get this straight. Angel used to
be a killer, as did Spike. Yet, Buffy has
been in love with them both. In addition,
Faith, Willow, Anya, and Andrew have
all killed humans in the past.
Don’t forget me.
Jesus, Buffy. Is there anyone you’re friends
with that hasn’t killed someone?
Well, it was just the one time. Everyone else
was doing it!
Umm, Buffy? While we’re all true confessions,
remember when I went down to LA last
summer to visit Dad?
Dad? You mean the one in the long line of
untrustworthy father figures we’ve encountered
in the past seven years?
That’s the one. Well, I stopped by Angel’s,
to see how everyone was doing, and… I
sort of slept with Connor.
You had sex with Angel’s son?!?
(throwing Spike off him)
Oh, glorious irony!
Did he turn evil?
Did he have bad hair?
Did he sink you to the bottom of the ocean
in revenge for his perception that you killed
the man who he considered his father after
being raised in a hell dimension, aging him
sixteen to seventeen years in the space of one
half a season in order to appeal to a younger,
No, no, and… no. He was very sweet.
Wait, shouldn’t you have all forgotten this
after my deal with Wolfram and Hart took
effect, effectively eradicating the memory
of Connor from the world’s collective
You don’t forget a night with one of Clan Angel.
You speak true, my sister.
Oh, bloody hell!
You know, everyone knowing about Connor
is really screwing with my ability to be the
lone bearer of harsh memories of better times.
Doesn’t anyone think of my sacrifices? Like
when I decided to take on the burden of being
the only one to remember I became human a
few years ago?
You were human?
Does anyone else wish we could all just go
back to high school, when things were simpler
and ninety percent of the cast weren’t killers,
and our love lives didn’t resemble “All My
They all contemplate.
Not a chance in hell. Growth, change, choices,
these are what life is about. The show grew,
changed, and the writers made choices, but it
was damned good television all the way through.
Good-bye to you all, and to what was often the
best show on television.
Wait, I have something to say!
Baby? What did you come back to say?
Dude, Kennedy sucks.
Ah-ha! It’s the First Evil, cleverly disguised
as my slain lesbian ex-lover!
No, dude, it’s Tara. Kennedy did suck.
and on that note, further update later on the wonderful barbeque and the drunkness that ensued :-\/