Captain of the Innuendo Squad. (brandinsbabe) wrote,
Captain of the Innuendo Squad.
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How compatible with me are YOU?





OUR SO-CALLED COLUMN #9: EXIT BUFFY, STAGE RIGHT Post #1

By Lauren Dougherty (laurendougherty@xfan.cjb.net) and Anthony Zisa (aczisa@xfan.cjb.net)

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Lost Scene

EXT. SUNNYDALE CEMETERY

Angel and Buffy stare at one another.

ANGEL
So, Spike, huh?

BUFFY
Angel, it’s not…

ANGEL
No, I’m okay. I just… I don’t know… Isn’t
he a little… short?

BUFFY
Pardon?

ANGEL
Well, I always thought you liked taller guys.
Like Riley. I mean, what do you see in him?
(considers) Don’t answer that.

BUFFY
Angel, it’s not…

ANGEL
Were you more attracted to me when I was
evil? Is that the attraction?

BUFFY
Spike’s not evil. Well, not anymore, at least.
He…

AUDIENCE
“…has a soul,” yeah, we know already!

BUFFY


ANGEL


They look around, find nothing, and shrug.

BUFFY
He’s different. Besides, didn’t you have a
son by Darla?

ANGEL
Touché. She had a soul, too, you know.

BUFFY
Oh, really? Is there, like, just a shop you
can buy these things in?

ANGEL
Apparently. It’s not just the evil thing,
anyway. It’s just… it’s Spike, you know?

BUFFY
Okay. I see your point. I sort of felt the
same back in high school when Cordelia
would hit on you.

ANGEL
Oh. Heh. I… see…

BUFFY
(annoyed)
Wait. (realization dawning) You didn’t.

ANGEL
Not quite in so many words.

BUFFY
Cordelia?

ANGEL
Not exactly…

BUFFY
(spitting)
And I kissed you?

FAITH
Come on, B. Cordelia’s not all that bad.
If you ignore her being evil and all.

BUFFY
What are you doing here?

FAITH
Like I’d miss this reunion for the
world.

BUFFY
Wait, Cordelia was evil?

ANGEL
Not so much…

FAITH
She was totally evil, B. Big Bad down
in LA and all that jazz.

BUFFY
This is TOO perfect.

ANGEL
Look, she wasn’t evil, okay? She was just
possessed by an ancient evil who has
been manipulating events in my life
and the lives of my friends for the past
four seasons in order to be birthed into
the world in order to subjugate the
entirety of the human race. These things
happen.

Faith and Buffy just look at him.

ANGEL
I’d give anything to go back to the
days when “evil lawyers” would
explain everything.

FAITH
Besides, B, you shouldn’t be laying
a guilt trip out on Angel. The way
Willow was telling it, you were making
with the two timing on Spike, anyway.
Not that Principal Wood isn’t one fine
specimen of man, though…

ANGEL
Now THIS is too perfect.

BUFFY
It was only dinner! Besides, it was…
work-related.

FAITH
You keep telling yourself that, B.

Spike enters the cemetery.

SPIKE
Ahh ha! Caught in the act! And badly
coiffed, if I do say so myself.

ANGEL
I’ve had enough. As if you’re one to
criticize anyone’s hair.

SPIKE
Excuse me, mate?

ANGEL
Ring, ring. Hey, pot. It’s kettle. You’re black.

SPIKE
Oh, that is it.

They tussle.

FAITH
Umm, B? Aren’t you going to, I dunno, stop
them or something?

BUFFY
(distractedly)
Of course. In a minute. This is way better than
in the dreams.

FAITH
Sister’s disturbed! (considers) Though she does
have a point.

Principal Wood enters.

WOOD
Kick his ass, Angel!

BUFFY
What are you doing here?

WOOD
Faith told me your old boyfriend who hates
Spike and would love nothing more than to
drive a sharp piece of wood through his
unbeating heart was going to be meeting with
you and Spike. I thought it might be fun to
watch, as I detest Spike who killed my Slayer
mother back in the Seventies.

BUFFY
Faith!

FAITH
Hey, I’ve been in prison for the past three seasons.
This passes for a date there.

Giles, Xander, Willow, and Dawn enter.

XANDER
So, I’m torn. You don’t suppose they could both
end up in an urn here, could they?

BUFFY
Faith, did you tell EVERYONE?

FAITH
I swear it wasn’t me.

GILES
Robin mentioned it in passing.

BUFFY
Robin?

GILES
Oh, silly me. I forgot we refer to authority
figures solely by their last name on this show.
Wood.

XANDER
Heh. Wood.

GILES
Pardon?

XANDER
Nothing. I just got this season’s running
joke.

GILES
Anyway, continue on as if we’re not even
here. Lord knows the soap opera that is
your love life is far more important than
mankind’s salvation.

XANDER
I told you that you could stay home
and watch the Potentials.

GILES
Sod off and die.

WOOD
So, let me get this straight. Angel used to
be a killer, as did Spike. Yet, Buffy has
been in love with them both. In addition,
Faith, Willow, Anya, and Andrew have
all killed humans in the past.

GILES
Don’t forget me.

WOOD
Jesus, Buffy. Is there anyone you’re friends
with that hasn’t killed someone?

BUFFY
There’s Xander.

XANDER
Actually, Buffy…

BUFFY
Xander!

XANDER
Well, it was just the one time. Everyone else
was doing it!

DAWN
Umm, Buffy? While we’re all true confessions,
remember when I went down to LA last
summer to visit Dad?

BUFFY
Dad? You mean the one in the long line of
untrustworthy father figures we’ve encountered
in the past seven years?

DAWN
That’s the one. Well, I stopped by Angel’s,
to see how everyone was doing, and… I
sort of slept with Connor.

BUFFY
You had sex with Angel’s son?!?

ANGEL
(throwing Spike off him)
WHAT?

AUDIENCE
Oh, glorious irony!

BUFFY
Did he turn evil?

SPIKE
Did he have bad hair?

ANGEL
Did he sink you to the bottom of the ocean
in revenge for his perception that you killed
the man who he considered his father after
being raised in a hell dimension, aging him
sixteen to seventeen years in the space of one
half a season in order to appeal to a younger,
female demographic?

DAWN
No, no, and… no. He was very sweet.

ANGEL
Wait, shouldn’t you have all forgotten this
after my deal with Wolfram and Hart took
effect, effectively eradicating the memory
of Connor from the world’s collective
memory?

DAWN
You don’t forget a night with one of Clan Angel.

BUFFY
You speak true, my sister.

SPIKE
Oh, bloody hell!

ANGEL
You know, everyone knowing about Connor
is really screwing with my ability to be the
lone bearer of harsh memories of better times.
Doesn’t anyone think of my sacrifices? Like
when I decided to take on the burden of being
the only one to remember I became human a
few years ago?

BUFFY
You were human?

ANGEL
Umm… no…?

XANDER
Does anyone else wish we could all just go
back to high school, when things were simpler
and ninety percent of the cast weren’t killers,
and our love lives didn’t resemble “All My
Children.”

They all contemplate.

AUDIENCE
Not a chance in hell. Growth, change, choices,
these are what life is about. The show grew,
changed, and the writers made choices, but it
was damned good television all the way through.
Good-bye to you all, and to what was often the
best show on television.

TARA’S GHOST
Wait, I have something to say!

WILLOW
Baby? What did you come back to say?

TARA
Dude, Kennedy sucks.

WILLOW
Ah-ha! It’s the First Evil, cleverly disguised
as my slain lesbian ex-lover!

AUDIENCE
No, dude, it’s Tara. Kennedy did suck.

and on that note, further update later on the wonderful barbeque and the drunkness that ensued :-\/
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