September 14th, 2001

Felix- to the left

with love we can survive

Today had to be the saddest day in my entire life. I think wednesday i was just in too much denial too feel all this pain, and it just hit me real hard today(thursday). I was just too overwhelmed with all the stuff i was hearing a seeing. My school had a memorial with singing and music, which was absolutely beautiful, but i became so depressed after that. I really wanted to go back to my therapist, but i want to be strong. I know after today that i need to go back cause i cant do this by myself. For the first time since this summer i really felt the need to cut myself. I dont want to go back to that. I can't. I just lay in my bed all day after my classes..which i went to believe it or not... and i cried. I cried like i have never cried before. i just let it all out.

then later on there was a candle light vigil outside. I wasnt gonna go cause i didnt want to put myself through all that pain again, but i went, and i am so glad i did. we sang and we talked about how we felt. And i finally felt like i could sort out some of these crazy emotions because these other people were feeling the exact same thing. I felt somewhat of a closure ina ll this. of course it is far from closure, but i am doing this one day at a time. who know, maybe tomorrow will be great and saturday i'll just break down again.
I dont know how I am gonna handle the Flickerstick concert. I know i will cry. They postponed fall fest with 3 doors down which was supposed to be tomorrow. at first i was happy but now i see how much i would have needed it, just to take my mind off of all this for a few hours. Hopefully Flickerstick will do that...

Don't you get it we're alive,Comepletely out of sight,We're running out of time.With love we will survive.
-Lift -With Love We Will Survive by Flickerstick
  • Current Music
    higher ~creed
Felix- to the left

Dominic Weir -d (lol)

Today was very... weird. I dont even know what to make of it. I woke up ontime for class and I was trying to figure out what to wear, but it was soo hard, so i said forget it and went back to bed. lol. i got to my second class though and it was ok. I couldnt concentrate one bit. Then i came home and just stayed here. I called my therpaist and set up an appointent for next tuesday...I was really trying to handle myself for as long as i could without her, but i dont think after all this i can aymore. so other then that nothing much happened. My roomates boyfriend came up today. hes cool. But i have never felt lonelier. this sucks....
  • Current Music
    bittersweet symphony ~the verve