February 8th, 2002

Felix- to the left

it didnt turn out hte way you wanted it to...

So me josh and his little buddy girl lorianne went out tonight. I dont think i have ever had to deal with a more heart wrenching moment in my life. and through it all i put on a happy face and smiled my way through it. They were flirting non stop. it was really weird. i felt like a 3rd wheel. but i blame myself anyways cause i knew this was gonna happen. i was setting myself up for it.

it all started when we went to diner. they were just so damn cute with eachother. then we went to andreas room and they were like picking at eachother and leaning on eachother. and i knew from then on josh would be totally going for it.

when we got back from the party we went to get andrea and went to hang out in his room. i almost didnt stay cause i just couldnt handle them anymore. but I decided to bring Se7en down and we watched that, so it took my minf off of it. but during the whole movie josh was getting real comfy with me. like moving up against me and wrapping his leg around mine. i just dont know. what the hell am i supposed to do?
  • Current Music
    the wretched ~nin
Felix- to the left

i suck

wow, i just realized that i might have lost two friends in the course of this week. one because they thought i didnt think enough of myself, and the other because they thought i thought too much of myself.

i really honestly cant win. is this the way its supposed to be? who am i supposed to be if everyone hates me for every part of me?

i wont apologize for it cause this is who i am, and if people dont like it then they shoudlnt have to deal with it. i just love how i keep proving my point of why i shouldnt even be here.
  • Current Music
Felix- to the left

silly me

i went to bed soo late last night. so of course i didnt get up for class. then i felt even worse cause i told amanda i would see her and i totally didnt.

last night just upset me to massive proportions. i realized that nometter what i will always be second best to every girl becuase they are always so much better then me. maybe one day i will find someone who will settle for me. but not good people who deserve more then me. good people like josh...
  • Current Music
    cant fight the moonlight
Felix- to the left


i am such a big intens loser. vito, my math teacher (hehe) called today and wante to know if i wanted to hang out with him and amanda and the rest of the gang tonight, and i said no. how much of a loser can i be? i want friends so bad yet when i can have them i totally freak out and shy away, and do everything i possibly can to avoid it. i am such a retard with people. like can i have a bigger disorder?

josh stopped by for lunch. it was cool but i think he felt my bad vibes against lorianne and i know he will resent me for that. I saw it in his eyes. this is way to hard. but not hard enough to get through i guess.

i just wish everyone i knew wasnt always talking about their guys and girls and their hookups and all that. ugh