March 4th, 2002

Felix- to the left

music heals

Today had to be one of the weirdest days ever. Everything was pretty ok until i was about to go to diner with josh. My mom called and we got all into talking about me and how i wasnt making it here or just in general. She sounded pretty worried and she was really telling me that i should go home and not go here anymore. But i told her i couldnt do that cause everytime i went home things just got worse. so i was crying on the phone with her and josh and andrea come over and were talking to mary who was here at the time. so then i told them they had to wait outside while i talked to my mom. after like an hour i finally got off the phone with her and i went to the lounge where andrea was making her food. i said hi to her then i left. didnt even really talk to her. dont know why.

so then i go downstairs and i went to diner with josh. about halfway through it he askes me whats been going on. and i'm like nothing. he kept asking me why i didnt want to talk him about it cause he knew there was something wrong. then he asked me if i was hurting myself or trying to commit suicide and i knew that andrea had talekd to him cause she was the only person i told here. He said that she did tell him and he was really really worried about me. i made it so clear to both of them that i wasnt going to a councelor or getting any help and i was just gonna do what i needed to do and that was it. so he told me i either got help or he would have to tell someone about what was going on. i was so shocked, i couldnt believe he was doing this to me, and that andrea practically betrayed me twice. anyways, i didnt know what to tell him. it was really ackward and retarded. so i changed the subject as much as i could. then we just went upstairs and he was like soo.. and i was like i'll talk to you later bye.

so i hung out in my room cause i told him i wasnt gonna go to the concert with him and he should go with Lil. so before he left he stopped by and he was like ok, i could either go with you to the councelor or i have to tell someone and i was like ugh leave me the hell alone. and he was like insisting that i do it tomorrow.i was so refusing. but then he was like, do it for me. and that always gets me cause i love him and i would do anything for him. so i told him i would go but iwould go tuesday cause tomorrow was way to busy for me. so he was kinda hesitant about it but he was cool with it.

then i watched the xfiles which was soooo totally awsome, but it was to be continued! i have never screamed at the tv so bad. lol it was so fun to see teh lone gunmen again though. kick ass.

then josh comes home and he just comes over and wants to hang out like all night. it was so amazing. like he wanted to put everything into being there for me cause i was goingthrough a hard time and needed people. Andrea imed me but she was like ok whatever and i didnt talk to her for the rest of the night. she didnt even come say goodnight or anything. weird. ANyways, me and josh had the most amazing night. we went down to get chips and stuff, then we realized we were hungry so we ordered pizza. we ate it while watching the red hot chili peppers concert dvd which he loves so much. its so awsome. they totally rock out man, and john frusciante is like such power and pure spirit. anyways we had a blast. then we went down and got water and stuff and we just hung out and were being silly and stuff. it was soo much fun. the most fun i've had in a long time. He told me that he appreciated me so much and he meant it so much, i could just see it. I told him i had a great night and thanked him for just being there. it was amazing. i love that boy so much. i dont even care what happenes i just know that i love him with all my heart and that he made things ok for me. he is everything i ever want to be and ever want to love and i just know that i would be perfect if i had him. but tonight was perfect. i almost want to be still in this time and just not let it go on. just make this the one last perfect night.
  • Current Music
    my song ~moulin rouge
Felix- to the left

woo hoo

so its day 2 of suicide watch apparently. Marcia the hall director calls me today asking if i could meet with her about how i am doing. shes like are you ok and stff. lol this is rediculous. So Josh told her anyways. I knew i just wanted to keep it in that wonderful moment of me just loving him. and now....

i cant believe everyone. its like fucked up to the max. i wish i was still in high school where things like this dont count, and nobody knows or cares. it was so beautiful back then. the lack of interest. I wish i could be normal too. boring like everyone else. then maybe these constant thoughts of death wouldnt even run through my mind at all. i just wanna be boring like everyone else.

i wish i could leave. right now, just pick up all my things and leave and get away from all these people. i wanted to last night. i just need a place to go and i'll be there, away from all of this. i need a place so bad cause i cant deal with this. i really cant. and i can lie to everyone and tell them i am ok, which is what it seems i have to do from now on cause then there will be people breathing down my back 24 hours. i just dont have the strength for it all. and i dont wanna be here anymore, dealing with this crap. i just wanna go far away.
  • Current Mood
    infuriated infuriated