April 28th, 2002

Felix- to the left

why??

its so weird because i am completely exhausted right now. i went to take a nap, while Vito was in the lounge doing work, then he came in and wanted to join me in bed, so we fooled around,a nd then he went home. And now i am just so tired. Maybe cause i cried today? that seems to do the trick. hehe. I am so happy he came over though. I know he didnt really want to, but i really wanted him to, and he knew that, so he came. And that is just so wonderful to me. I felt bad, but i realized that i shouldnt feel bad, cause it meant a lot to me and i appreciated him coming.

I'm starting to get that feeling again. i was so good for a while. Well good enough considering how i used to feel. But i am getting that heavy hurting feeling inside of me. And my urge to cut is getting worse and worse. I guess the medication is whats helping me not atually do it, but i can just feel it getting harder like every hour. And i should be fine. Everything should be good because everything is finally working out. i have a place to stay over the summer so i dont have to stay at home, i'm doing pretty ok in my 2 classes, i have vito, i have all i need, and yet i am getting more depressed with each passing day and i just want it to stop. I need it to stop and i'm so ready to do whatever to make it go away. I just really need it to go away right now because i want this to be perfect. everything is so good, i just need it to be happy.

i have been thinking a lot about my childhood. like things i used to do when i was younger and how much i have forgotten. I wish i could remember it all and see where stuff went wrong. and even remember the good stuff so not everything seems so bad. i dont know. this is just me rambling about stupid stuff in my brain.

all my best friends are hanging out in the lounge talking and having fun...and i just wanna be alone and sleep, and shut the world out. and watch superman lol =p
  • Current Mood
    sad sad
Felix- to the left

(no subject)

i wanted to sleep till like maybe 5 this afternoon =\ i went to bed at 4. i dont know why, i just couldnt sleep again. But mary came home at like 1 today, so i woke up and my computer was messed up so i spent about an hour fixing it. Now i am watching Die Hard and trying to clean and pack my room again. i have way too much shit in here.

i am soooo starving right now but i just dont want to get anthing to eat. if i think of food i think i am gonna barf. thats never a good sign. i remember last time i got like this. i just dont want things to go back to the way they were.

i have an apointment with dr.bakhai tomorrow. i am kinda nervous cause i havnt been there in a while, and he doesnt care what i say anyway. Vito wants to go in with me to talk to him though, which might be good, but i am nervous about that too. I really appreciate him trying to help though. I hope he can talk some sense into these stupid doctors.

i just want to sleep all day :(
  • Current Mood
    hungry hungry