July 9th, 2002

Felix- to the left

so now we are sober...

...and he says what did we share with eachother? like none of it meant a thing...and to me it was one of the most beautiful/special weekends ever...

why do i have to be sad again? that was all i ever wanted, and i got it. regardless of how short or long a time it was, it was still something that i shared with him and to me that was special. to him i think it was a waste.

before he fell asleep he said "i love you" and "dont be mad at me"...maybe i should just be mad at myself...
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed
Felix- to the left

'you and me...where in this together now...'

sometimes i forget who i am. completely. its like someone else took over and has been running my life. ruining my life. and then i try to pull it back together when i realize this, but by then its too late. i patch things up for a while but the hole keeps ripping and getting bigger and bigger each time. sometimes i look in the mirror and i dont know who is looking back at me. i try to figure out how i got here...what i did to get to where i am, but its like it has all been a dream...

i guess i dont even know what i am talking about anymore...
  • Current Mood
    confused confused
Felix- to the left

the sun will come out tomorrow...

night to day, and day to night. thats what everything feels like. i woke up sad...he went back to his bed...he didnt look too happy when he woke up, so i went back to sleep. i woke up again later and listened to some Korn...something i havent realy done in a long time. it brings back bad memories of really bad things that happened...and thats all i listened to when i was going through one of my really bad boughts of depression. but for some reason i just really needed to listen to it. then i got up and cheerfully came over to his bed...and surprisingly he smiled at me and held his arm out so i could lay next to him. he kissed me and we talked about what we were going to do today...

sometimes i jsu dont understand how things can change from one second to the next...

so we went to do the laundry, and went to eat...we got caught in a huge rainstorm. it was a really wonderful downpour and we got soaking wet. i felt like a little kid running in the rain with him. then we folded up the laundry and came home and now he is sleeping. i love my little vito. i love to watch him when he sleeps. maybe sometimes i am too hard on him and a bit too clingy...i wish i could stop that. i would do anything to be able to control that. he doesnt get how hard it is though.

its just that when i have him i wonder why on earth should i ever have to be alone??
  • Current Mood
    drained drained