July 22nd, 2002

Felix- to the left

i'm no fun anymore....

things feel different today. kinda weird. its like everything is gonna work out ok, but its not. we woke up around 2 today, which was really late again. do you think we will ever get up before 12? i just feel yucky and down right now. really depressed in a way...i wanted to cut myself so bad again last night. i havent done it in a while. vito was gonna go to sleep and i just really wanted to cut myself. then he decided to watch a movie with me and sleep in my bed, so th eurge went away, but nothing has really changed.

i am supposed to call a lady for a job today. its like right in my face and everything, and i know i am probably gonna get it. but today i feel like such shit that i dont even care...whats wrong with me? why cant i just make things right...

tomorrow i'm gonna go to CBGB's to check out a band that my friend is friends with. thats gonna be a fun experience, and something to do which is always good. last night we checked out this awsome coffee house. it was a really nice atmosphere, kinda like the spot in buffalo, and they had really good smoothies and brownies and stuff. next time we go we are either gonna get the smores which you make yourself, or the fondue which they give you with strawberries, bananas, and marshmallows. it looks sooooo delicious.

anyway, i guess today we might go work out later, go to the pool and stuff. and maybe watch another movie. i just dont think i am up for much. i hate this...
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
Felix- to the left

i just want to be loved...

i was thinking about a lot of things today. a lot of important things. like love, sex, polyamory, friends...stuff like that. i kow i am ready for all of these but i am scared. scared that my heart will be broken, scared that i wont have enough sex to make me happy, scared that he will find someone better then me, and scared that i ightnot find any friend that are like me, or into the things i am into, and still accept me. i want to be open and explore what i believe in, ut it is so hard. i want to be able to have a relationship with vito, but be ok with him being with other girls. and i want to find girls too... but i dont htinki am good enough, or pretty enough...all that stuff going through my head. and i know there are people like me out there, i just hvent been able to find them yet...

i want these things to make my life wonderful, and i know if i had them and accepted them, they would be...so why cant i just do it already?
  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative