August 1st, 2002

Felix- to the left

since sunday...

wow its been so long. i feel like it was a whole other lifetime....i cant even begin to explain the events from the last couple days...

lets just say this has been the first day in a couple days where i could actually get out of bed and do something. i havent been this depressed in a long time. i havent wanted to kill myself in a long time. i cut myself so badly but thats all i could do...everything was just so painful.

god i almost lost him. i dont know if i could have handled that. but i wasnt going to let that happen. i wasnt going to lose everything we had...long story...id rather not get into it actually, just forget about it. it was the worst thing in my life. when the person you love tells you they cant be with you anymore...

but now its ok...i hope...he says hes still recovering though...and he still wants to be with annie...which is ok i guess. i mean, wha can i do if i am not attracted to her? should i have just done it cause i knew it was all he wanted? but then what about us? and honesty? and relationships? i dont know, i am probably not making a lot of sense, but i just cant express all the things that were going on in my head during these last few days. i felt like i died...

As for the job...i was interviewed by 3 people and they all seemed to like me. so the lady said that they need to put a team together for the latest project they are doing, and then she will call me next week with something for me to do. so i think i pretty much got the job. which is good cause as of today i have a total of $19 left...which is pretty bad. and vito is not doing too good with the money either...so maybe i will have to get another job also..ugh...

And Amanda, i havent been avoiding you or not wanting to talk to you, i hope you understand that i was just too depressed to even get up and write in my journal or anything, i really want to talk to you though. =)

and Jensen, i am sorry also, but i think this entry explains well enough why i didnt call you back or go to the movies or anything. i'm sorry you felt like i was ignoring you or blowing you off or something but i really wasnt. i love ya! call me today cause there is this free concert i wanna go to with you at 6pm!!!!

so thats it for now...hehe...lets jsut try to forget that ever happened...