September 7th, 2002

Felix- to the left

why does my heart feel so bad?

We went to webster hall tonight. it was free to get in and there was likt techno music all night. there was supposed to be a goth section but it wasnt very goth so i wasnt too into the whole thing. we just kinda sat there the whole time while vito went to look for drugs. then we left. we went to some restaruant place that kinda sucked, but annie wanted to so we went. I was just really tired all night and kinda bummed out. I woke up this morning so depressed from yesterdays incident. I really felt like i wanted to break up wiht him and that scared me. it just hurts so much that he never wants me to touch him and he never wants to cuddle with me. is that so much to ask of my boyfriend??? anyway i cut myself again and i was crying all night so hard that i couldnt even breath. ifinally fell asleep and then today when i woke up i just really didnt want to go out. But annie called and said the webster hall thing was free...so we went.

i talked to him about it tonight and he kinda just got upset at me and said it bothers him that he tries so hard and i dont appreciate it. i dont even think he realizes how much it hurts me. i dont know how else to let him know that... i dont know what to do... :(
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed
Felix- to the left

nothings like it used to be

tomorrow is our 6 month anniversary. half a year...wow. he said he doesnt make a big deal out of anniversaries(why am i not surprised)...well i do. i think they are special and romantic. Anyway, i just want it to go well.

we watched tv this morning. he came over and cuddled with me. i could tell he was making a real effort. it was nice. afterwards he got depressed and went to sleep. I hate not being able to help him. i hate that he wont listen to me or take my advice. i know its annoying to him but maybe if he tried it atleast once, he would see a difference...i dunno.

tonight we might go to a goth club called the batcave. i really hope we go cause last night was a bust. and we really have to find our crowd. hopefully annie wont come, and hopefully we can find some kind of drugs.eeeeeeee <3

anyway, i feel kinda shitty and down, but no more than usual so i guess thats a plus. my family went to jersey yesterday. i really wanted to go. oh well. tuesday i am going to buffalo. i am really nervous. i wish i wasnt staying for so long.

time to go look at the porn...teehee
  • Current Mood
    bored bored