January 10th, 2003

Felix- to the left

this is how i feel right now...

"My heart aches every hour of every day. Only When I'm with you does the pain go away."

we got into a huge fight yesterday. over nothing, over being sad, over getting out of control.nothing and everything i guess.i guess sometimes he forgets how much i need and how little i can take.i cut pretty bad...never remembering me ever feel like i eanted to die this bad. never been so convinced that i could do it. with one quick swipe of the blade, i was convinced i could do it this time...
we made up eventually. slept it off. but i feel it still lingering. hes so sad and upset.i just want to die when he is like that. part of me wants to tell him, what are you sad about, if anything i should be the one thats sad. and the other part of me wants to do anything for him. anything to make him feel better, to see that smile. but i can never do anything. i am completely useless...

on another note. i have been watching queer as folk nonstop all day. i guess it makes the pain go away. and i love that show sooo much. i wish my life was like that. vito says he doesnt want to go clubbing anymore. he is too old for that kinda stuff. but what about me...

i wish i could just forget about me.
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