January 21st, 2003

Felix- to the left

i wondered if you could ever think of me this way...

so lets see...ive pretty much been sleeping non stop for the past few days. i have also been feeling kinda depressed. i skipped a day of meds so that might be it. lets hope thats all it is. so yeah, i havent been doing anything. i woke up once to have sex, and eat a couple times and thats about it. ugh, i hate myself.

so josh emailed me about his screenplay/rock opera idea. he wants me to help him work on it. we have been talking about it for a long time and now he wants to get started. so hopefully that will give me something to so.

lately ive been really wanting to paint again. i really suck, but i miss it. it used to make me feel better. i started doing it around this same time last year. around the time i met vito. we have been talking a lot about stuff and working things out. its up and down but right now i feel like we are at a secure point. he told me that at this point, he loves me so much that if i needed him to be monogamous for a while, he would be. i feel like its been like that already though, but its judt the sweetest thing. but i am starting to feel the way he is about things i guess. i like the girls, i need the girls. when we dont hook up with a girl i really miss it. and i know that is so important to him. but i also know that he loves me the most and would never just trade me in for another girl on a whim. he loves me too much to do that. and i have to realize that. i guess i have just been looking at his past too much. all these girls he was with. but he tells me its not the same. he never had woth them what he has with me. we are in a relationship, and with those other girls he wasnt in a relationship. it was just fun. and i am not just fun to him, i am so much more.

haha these are the things i write about when i sleep all day. maybe i should go to bed. tomorrow i have to go to the clinic and make an appointment for birth control. when things are better, the sex gets better hehe.
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