January 22nd, 2003

Felix- to the left

love is about giving the other person what they need. and i love you.

things sure can change quickly. they can be just ripped out from under you, and your left falling, flailing your arms deperately trying to hold on to something. something to keep you from wanting to die. something that wont tear apart your insides and then throw them back together, causeing a complete upheaval of your soul.

i feel so much pressure to get better. i just wish things are they way they were, when we would go down to rockafellar center and explore, go to a 99 cents store and buy a sparkly black bag, or walk through the park almost near dark so you can see the stars in the sky. or the days in buffalo when we would go to the tattoo place every week and get our tongues pierced, and look at the cute girl behind the counter. i remember those days like they were yesterday. And things were getting better...i was getting better. so secure. but what do you do when there is this huge rock that you trip over and you fall so hard that you dont know if you can get up? its just so painful? but then you just HAVE to get better. you have to fix it quick, and you dont even know where to begin.

i feel so lost. i feel like he is with me, but i dont know if i am. of course i am. i would give anything. thats what love is. i guess i can be ok with what he asked for, but he cant ask me not to compromise myself. what else can i do? to me its worth it. its worth everything. its so completely not worth giving up on cause there are a few differences. i just dont want things to change. i know he will find someone better than me. there is always someone better than me. i just want a little more time. a few more years. why does she get 5 and i only get 1? i just want a fair chance. i know it can work. i know how good we are.

i just need you to believe in us. believe in me...
  • Current Mood
    distressed distressed