July 27th, 2003

Felix- to the left

life or something like it...

so...all hell broke lose the other day. the day that dwayne left. vito decided he wanted me gone. so now i am back home with my parents. dwayne left sunday morning, really early. we went with him to the airport and i cried lots after he left. then i went home and packed up some of my things and left. vito wants me gone for a week and then he says we will see...but he wants me to move out. he said he still wants to be with me, but after all the things he said, i dont know. and a part of me doesnt know because i might not want to...he was just so rude and said such horrible things to me. i dont know how i feel about that yet. and i know dwayne would never be like that to me. and he would never hurt me or yell at me, or leave me alone. i miss him sooooo much. i miss vito too :( i just look back at all our times together and how good so many of them were...it makes me madeningly sad.

so thats my life right now. its ok to be home though. not as bad as i thought. but this is day one. i hope it stays like this. i finally saw my sisters hair and it looks so cute. this week i plan on looking for jobs for dwayne, and an apartment for when he comes back hopefully in august. if he gets a job by then, he wont go back to canada, otherwise he will just be here for a week or so. hopefully i can help him with that. and hopefully i will be able to work things out with vito. i still love him so much. even if i dont live there, i just want some time with him. some time to think and sort things out. hopefully that will happen.

i feel like i am not even here right now. i feel like i am not even alive.
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