December 16th, 2004

Felix- to the left

all i want for christmas is michael shanks.

i really need some sort of stargate sg-1 marathon to cheer me up. the clothes shopping didnt work as well as i had hoped.

so yesterday i went shopping at the mall with michelle. christmas shopping. i tried to pretend everything was ok and just be happy that i was getting presents for my family and christmas music was playing. it was hard. but i found cool stuff for my mom and sister. and me of course. lol.

then i got all ready and we went drinking.we were gonna go to the opium lounge but it sucked so we went to the pink instead. it wasnt too bad. i was just too depressed. lacking something. blah. anyway ken and i and michelle played darts and i had a few shots. we stayed there for a couple hours and then we came back home. i was so depressed the whole way back. wishing i just wasnt here

when i got home i just needed someone to talk to. but i couldnt so i hacked up my arm. i kept telling myself to stop before i pushed on. it was so hard. the reason i wanted to make it through atleast christmas was for my grandma. but now shes dead. and everytime i look around my room there is something i think about that reminds me of her. and something i want to show her and i think of how her face will light up when she sees it. and then i remember that she never will.

so today we have to go to vitos moms to celebrate his birthday cause we didnt get to on tuesday. i wish i didnthave to go so bad. i just dont want to deal with it.and vito is just being so rude and blah with me today. i cant take it.

on another note, im mailing out christmas cards to erries pips heartagram drewsy and a couple other special peeps in the next couple days.
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