December 29th, 2004

Felix- to the left

so here im doing what i just told myself not to

damn music.

so im sitting here. 12:30am listening to ani difranco and its bringing back so many memories of when i used to listen to her mazzive. last year at around this time. things were so weird. its like my stomach does this churning thing. it was like a brie weirdness of life that almost doesnt exist in my memory anymore. every once in a while i think back to it and im like oh yeah, wow. i just cant believe it. its when we left our place in the city. that was so weird. so painful.

its when i first went back to buffalo. i was without vito and it was just me and my parents that moved all my stuff up there. it was so cold and snowing. and weird. i remember driving around with them. so stressed out cause i wanted to make the house perfect. we went to a hundred places looking for the right thing. i remember almost passing out in the car in the parking lot of target. almost getting snowed in at roadhouse grill. it was always vitos favorite place to eat and i wanted to show them. my mom thought the drinks were huge. when they left i was so lonely. i had a dresser with no clothes in em yet, a blue rug, my bed on the floor, kelvin, and my computer with the desktop picture of me and vito by teh christmas tree at my grandmas. i remember when they left i talked to josh for a little while. i was so lonely. it was weird. and i couldnt believe i was gonna have to be there alone for so long. until vito got back. i put on some paul simon, opened a thing of those chocolate slices and put together a cabinet. i remember it said assembly requires 2 and i was so sad. cause i was alone and me and vito used to put that shit together. and then i was so proud when i did it all by myself.

i remember that month i made friends with beth, from online. we talked all night and then we met up at UB with katie. we went to talking leaves. then we used to go back to my place and smoke up and drink like everyday. that was really fun. i remember we nicknamed kelvin "turkey" and taped a candy box to the table and waited to see how long it would take for it to fall off. beth and i smoked up her car one time. and we broke the pipe and still tried to smoke out of it. then when katie came over we tried to make our own. vito was there that time. he used to come for a couple days and then go back. because if he didnt i felt like i was gonna die. like my heart was literally being ripped out and crushed.

there was so much snow then. i remember waking up so early. like 5:30 for my 8am class. and walking through the snow when it was still almost dark out. i didnt really take the bus back then. i just walked all the way to the bus infront of governors, and then the one infront of diefendorf. the wind was so icy, i remember feeling the coldness through my converse sneakers. i used to go to the computer lab early to get on the computer. my internet at home wasnt set up for a while. when it was, i was in the kitchen on the little black table cause the phone line is in the kitchen. kelvin used to crawl through the cabinets while i was sitting there. i remember when i had my trucker hat. i was so cool ;) and i loved my feminist class. it was so inspiring. the only one i really ended up going to. the other one i went to sometimes cause brianna was there. i just started talking to her then too. and mike. thats when i met mike. i remember how nervous i was that night. the SG burlesque show. and then we watched american beauty in my room. and the next day we hooked up. we talked a long time beforehand. i thought it was really cool how i could just sit there for so long...drinking of course, and having a real conversation with a boy. and he was actually interested in what i had to say. josh was like that too. but i think i only saw josh once that whole time. when vito first visited and i went out with teh old gang to go bowling. and then back to josh and andreas. and i just wanted to get home and be with vito. i should have hung out with them more.

and then vito came on valentines day. i was so excited. he was so tired. we moved all his stuff into the house and then we went to his moms where he was waiting. he used to hang out with me beth and katie too. i remember the time we did all our makeup and him and katie changed outfits. her shirt smelled like strawberries.

things things all feel so far away. almost like they didnt happen. there were so many other things too. like things that occured so vividly and strongly in such a short period of time. tali, chris, katie, ken, jill, brigid. all of them too. these people that in one way or another impacted my life. good and bad. and still with me. and it all happened then. and then just stayed there, its like those times just stayed still and i moved on. and now when i listen to ani, it comes back to me. and its just so strange, and sickening almost. like something huge i dont know what to do with or make sense of. i cant sort it out in my head and i know it sounds crazy but thats how it is. thats just how it is. wrapped up in a little pink bow. cause somehow pink sticks out the most. pink hair, pink tights, pink lipstick, pink shirt. all with some meaning. its funny how my brain does that. i hope even though it causes such turmoil it stays with me. and all these people do to.
  • Current Music
    both hands ~ani difranco
Felix- to the left

i said i wanted an a-line cut bitch



the back just wont poof up and its driving me nuts. im gonna have so many layers in it by the end of this week that its just gonna look like a big ugly damn mess.


  • Current Music
    some weird jazz my dad is listening to