February 26th, 2005

Felix- to the left

25 minutes

everything is everything.

you know when your listening to a song and there is so much associated with it. everything connects, everything becomes one. everything pulls at your heart...your love, your life, your soul. you can almost feel it welling up inside of you and you can feel the urge but you dont know what to do with it. taken back to moments in time, moments that were so perfect yet now can be looked at with such misery. but they really werent miserable. it was just circumstance. just timing. and believe me i dont want to say that. because to me that means something else. something i dont want to admit to myself right now. and probably wont ever after this. Its funny how at times you can be so stable and so everywhere at the same time. comfortable turbulance is what it is. i find myself in that state quite a few times. is it me? who i am? the people surounding me? the surroundings themselves maybe...nightime. i remember a lot of night time. i remember a lot of looking up at the stars. looking over. feeling ok...feeling ok to just be there. i wonder if i would change anything given the chance. knowing then what i know now. no...i dont think i would. because there was so much good. so much good came out of it. no matter what anyone says. and of course i knew...cause things dont change so quickly in me. but i wonder if you really do need to love yourself before others can love you. its something everyone says, but you only realize when it really hits you in the face. and i mean really.hits you. i remember swaying and standing and smiling. sitting in dark corners. and did it all until i couldnt anymore. and thought it would be ok....mornings i would wake up and just be...i realize now that i go through all the stages of death very slowely. with everything (not just people) and it hits me so much later. its funny when i realize it. more like hurtful. and then i dont know where to go from there. i just get lost in it and it stays like that with me, for a long time. and maybe thats why i cant let go of things. cause i get lost in that final step. and i get lost in the memories. cause they are so vivid to me, and hold so much power over me. thats part of the photographer in me. grasping on to each moment. making everything stay so that it does. in that exact way. and if i could help it, i would stop everything from moving and changing. even thoug sometimes change is good. im not good with change. i dont think i ever was. its funny...horrifying actually that im almost right back where i started, give and take a few things. how does that happen? how does that work out? am i really better off? i wonder what im left with...and i search for this answer more then i sit down and study for some stupid test. i wonder who else sits down at night and thinks about these things. which of the people i know lays in bed and just stares with a thousand things running through their heads. songs, triggering thought, some of which are so unwelcomed but still, so engraved in the back of your mind that you know no matter what you do you wont be able to get them out. i guess im not gonna write all i want to. thats for another time and another place. and i just go on and go forward and move on...up. hopefully. cause you know, there isnt much lower and there isnt any sadder...and you have to believe in something...

and well hey, the joy belongs to you.
  • Current Music
Felix- to the left

love it.

so last night my dream consisted of me and mike poop trying to save the world from this huge...wind storm or something. LOL and we were in this big building and they kept trying to track us down and lock us in the room that asnt safe from the wind. it was so military like.it could have been a movie. mike you had the hair and everything! ;)

then today consisted of getting up late cause i finally got to bed at like 7am. ick. so i woke up at like 3, realized what time it was and panicked. then proceeded to listen to one song over and over again and read livejournal and j/d fanfic. as i knew i would. did i do anything for my photo project? i thought about it for like 2 minutes, then started to get an ulcer like feeling in my stomach so i stopped thinking.

tonight im going out and getting wasted. very wasted i hope. it will be a goooood fucking time. im happy tonight and everything is going well for the most part so it will be happy drunkness. and there is nothing better then that. i might pop over to soundlab to see mike get his groove on (poop mike, not mike mike...theres gotta be a better way to distinguish LOL ;P) so ill see if i can get my drunk ass over there. if not, we are still doing the dance party on april 16th cause Siobhan and Nicolette said so!!! ;)

ah, so off i go to get ready. have a good night kids! <3
  • Current Music
    goldfrapp ~strict machine