Captain of the Innuendo Squad. (brandinsbabe) wrote,
Captain of the Innuendo Squad.

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fuck this shit

i suck. i am so depressed. why am i even alive. i wrote this at like 5am this morning :

i feel awake right now. i havent slept. i also feel like i am gonna throw up, but i havent eaten anything for like 2 days. go me. maybe i will lose some weight. that would be nice. but then i wouldnt fit into all my cool clothes i just got cause i would be too thin. that is so laughable. when i was younger i thought that by the time i was 18 i would be normal and skinny and pretty. so i am 20 now. i am pretty, but not normal or skinny. so what the fuck does the pretty matter then? vito says it does matter. that i am so beautiful and the weight is so not an issue. cause i am not that fat. and i can lose it. but i am that fat. and its so hard for me to lose it. grrr. i hate food. and i hate my stomach. i would be fine if my stomach just didnt hurt from hunger all the time. thats why i eat. i dont even find anything apetizing anymore. except a baked potatoe with cheese. lol. i am so weird. so yeah. i have to find something that will just stop the pain, then i would never eat. a medicine that would curb my appetite wouldnt help cause i dont have an apetite for anything. its just the pain that makes me have to eat. i think its starting to make sense in my head.

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