Captain of the Innuendo Squad. (brandinsbabe) wrote,
Captain of the Innuendo Squad.
brandinsbabe

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why oh why

so yeah. where do i even begin. so much has happened that i dont really want to talk about, but i should, just to remember. well this weekend my parents and i went back up to oneonta to visit my sister for family weekend. it was ok. it was good to see her again. so we smoked up a lot and had lots of fun. shannon made me a beautiful box.

the first night we were there we went to applebees. that was fun. i got all the alcohol i could hehe. then we got back to the dorms where my parents dropped me off and i called vito to say hi and tell him i missed him and all that, and he tells me he did e, and invited annie over. and that he gave her e too. this is all after i wanted to do it with him so bad the night before, but apparently she was more important or something. anyway, so then he tells me that they fooled around. i was really gonna throw up. i wanted to kill myself right there. he promised me with all his heart that he wouldnt. so i begged him not to fool around with her anymore. he was like whatever, but he told me that he didnt after i asked him. i got so fucked up that night that i just didnt even care.

so the next day i had to stick through it even though i wanted to die, and we went to a craft fair which was pretty cool. my mom got me this awsome necklace, a little christmas ornament, a pentagram poster, and the "magic happens" sticker from buffy. way cool. anyway, after that we dropped my dad off at the schools soccer game and my mom, sister and i went to wallmart where i got a lot of cool stuff hehe. mostly srapbook stuff. then we went to pick up my dad and watched the end of the game. then we went to get stuff at BJ's for my sister, and then we went to eat at the neptune diner where vito and i ate when we were there. after that we had to go to this stupid roberta flack concert cause my parents love her. some of the songs were so sad though. so i went out and called vito but he was out. that night we smoked up again and fell asleep in shannons rooom.

the next morning we woke up and got ready, then went to breakfast. we went to wallmart again hehe, and then we were on our way home. vito called me and told me he wasnt feeling well cause he got a lot of c the night before and did it all. so i was reeally worried the whole way home. when i get home he is laying in bed with a fever. so i tried to help him out however i could.i brought him water and tylenol and layed with him a little. so he slept a lot and i didnt even really get to see him.

so yesterday he finally gets up and starts freaking out at me that i didnt clean the kitchen and that i never do anything. and that we were over and he didnt wanna see me again or whatver. he told me to get the fuck out or he would kill himself. i was crying and trying to figure out why he was doing this after everything i did for him, but he just kept yelling aand yelling and telling me to leave. he said it was over and he wanted me to get out and he didnt love me anymore. now i am thinkign what the fuck, this is either his lack of meds, or a drug induced something or otherr. so i tried to calm down and i cleaned whatever i could. but when he kept saying hurtful things to me i was like fuck it, fine, its over i am gonna look for a place in buffalo and leave cause i dont need this shit, and i didnt need him.

so i dont really remember much after that. its likei just went numb. i just remember i had to get out cause he kept being so mean to me, and telling me he didnt love me and that i was ruining his life and he was gonna kill himself. so i went out to do the laundry. i went to get cigarettes and tylenol for his fever. i just walked around for a bit at 2am. theni went home. so he tells me he called the drug guy and got more c. i couldnt believe it. so all night thats what we did i guess. and he was like nice to me and everything. then, later that morning he says he is sorry and he does love me so much and doesnt want me to go. he doesnt even know how the whole arguement started. drugs i tell ya. so now i dont know what to do. i think i am still gonna go back to buffalo for the next semester. this whole thing was just so crazy. oh and i wrote annie an email tellign her how much she hurt me and all that. yeah. so he went to bed telling me he loves me and doesnt want me to leave, and that we would sleep, then clean, then we would go out and do something together. <3

so i cleaned the whole kitchen and bathroom so i could show him that i can be better. i know i can. i just love him too much to give up. and for such a silly reason. ugh.i dont know. my life is such a wreck. i just know if we pull it together we can do it.

i love you with all my heart.
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