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Operation this-will-most-likely-end-badly is a go!
a really hot geek
sticks and stones kiddies.... 
10th-Oct-2004 02:38 pm
i actually stayed in last night. on a saturday. haha i felt so weird but i think it was needed, for my body and for my wallet. i keep saying im gonna save up for a photo printer but it hasnt been happening. when i get depresed i drink and ive been drinkin all my money away. so last night i decided i wouldnt do that. its a start i guess. i actually wanted to do school work, but oh i dont have any. im kinda pissed that one week im almost killing myself cause of all the shit i have to do, and now its like easy breezin. fuckers. that whole school...that whole students body, save a few hacky sackers outside the student union and ken, are complete morons. im so tired of these little pretentious assholes running all around me. id kill to go walk around the village with annie right now.

so yeah ive been contemplating my life goals, and as usual i feel like im not in the right direction of where i want to end up. i dont know where that is, but i feel like this is wrong. and psychotically i keep thinking about the city. especially this time of year. its so beautiful there and im gonna miss it all. and its funny cause of all the immensly horrible shit i went through last year at this time, its still beautiful to me. i cant believe i made it through all that. and im glad it made me stronger, i just cant believe i actually went through all that and then came here and went to school and actually did alright. maybe sometimes i should give myself more credit.

so yeah i did some thinking and then i watched a ton of tv. sometimes you need to do that to clear your head. so later vito and i might go to Spot coffee. yay.
Felix- to the left
10th-Oct-2004 06:57 pm (UTC)
canon i450
photo printer
prints borderless
ink $10 on ebay
great quality
cost: $50
10th-Oct-2004 07:25 pm (UTC)
wow. thanks. i never really thought to check on ebay!!
10th-Oct-2004 06:59 pm (UTC)
oh and most people dont give themselves enough credit.. so you're not alone there :)
10th-Oct-2004 07:24 pm (UTC)
yeah definitly. most people dont realize they dont either. every once in a while though....it just makes you feel better.
10th-Oct-2004 07:43 pm (UTC)
Yay for not drinking!

I've never quite understood the reflex to consume a depressant when one was depressed. I understand the whole lack of feeling effect that comes with a drunken stupor (it got me through the first year of seperation and divorce), but depressing oneself to deal with depression is like fighting a fire with gasoline.

Go for a whole week dry!
10th-Oct-2004 08:15 pm (UTC)
i usually do go a whole week dry. i try to drink on the weekends. im not an alcoholic lol.

drinking is not depressing oneself. people dont seem to get the point of depressants. just cause its got the same word in it, doesnt mean it has the same exact meaning. alcohol depresses(=slows down) your system. therefore your much more relaxed and worry free. when your drunk your in an altered state of mind and not dealing with the shit your depressed(=completely sad) about
11th-Oct-2004 12:37 am (UTC)
So after the first week, go for two.

The problem with using substances to shut off the pain, is that you never wind up dealing with the cause of the depression. It's a little like pushing pause during a scary movie, you don't succeed in avoiding the scary bits, 'cause when you go back to watch the rest, you're right where you left off, no moving forward.

When did you start using?
11th-Oct-2004 01:52 am (UTC)
no it doesnt help deal with it, but ive tried to deal with it long enough. believe me there is a story behind it. so for now it helps fast forward the scary parts. ;p

ive been drinking since the summer before my freshman year at college.
11th-Oct-2004 02:33 pm (UTC)
I understand. It may seem a little odd, but I'm glad that there is a story. Without a story, the depression and self destructive behavior would be truly terrifying.

I hope that I'm not crossing some boundary, I'm just trying to understand. I know that you have probably dione quite a bit of explaining and don't want to exasperate you.

11th-Oct-2004 01:53 am (UTC) - :-)
Well, as they say, most alcoholics do not realize, nor will they admit, that they are alcoholics. I'm not saying your in denial, but I do know that more than 3 of your friends have worried about you and substances, more than a handful of times...
The "signs' that someone may have a 'problem' with alcohol, are pretty much useless these days, as drinking is more of a regular thing than it has been in the past, still though, the signs that you should look out for, are:

1.)A growing preoccupation with or interest in drinking, drinking alone or drinking before an activity where there will be drinking.(ie: "pre-gaming"lol) It may seem as though one simply enjoys drinking. We now know that these signs are the first symptoms of alcoholism.

2.)A person will dispute there is a problem. This symptom, called denial, is almost always present in alcoholism

3.)gulping the first few drinks
wanting to drink more, or longer, than the rest of the crowd
losing control of drinking, leading to attempts to control it ("going on the wagon" or "drying out for the week")

4.)Turning to the bottle in hopes of dissolving internal conflicts. Alcohol consumption, however, may contribute to, rather than relieve, tension. Drinking elevates hormones (the same that trigger stress), increasing the intensity of depression and anxiety...

Not to sound like a stupid pamphlet in the doctors office or anything, but you know what i am trying to say. Maybe instead of trying to make the people in your life happy with you, you should work more on you being happy with you. Wow, I really fucking sound like a motivational speaker, but seriously, it's the truth!

Do you think you fit any of the above criteria? I'm not saying you should consider yourself an alcoholic,I'm just saying is that it's easy to say "I'm not an alcoholic"..just like it's easy for me to say "im not a pill junkie" lol...it creates a problem for me though, because I NEED the pain meds to be able to stay afloat. Think maybe if you went to the proper health care person, and got the right pills prescribed for you, it might be a bit easier to cope with things, and then maybe you wouldn't feel the need to drink as much as you have been lately? Just something to consider..you know I <3 ya!!!

11th-Oct-2004 01:57 am (UTC) - Re: :-)
3 or more of my friends have worried about me and substances more than a handful of times???? like when?
11th-Oct-2004 02:05 am (UTC) - Re: :-)
welllllll...if you want specific dates, I cant provide those, but I know that on more than one occasion, me, Doll, Mikey, and Brigid, have all said that we were worried about your drinking habits...ask any of them, and they will tell you. We arent the types of people to get on your case about it, because we all have our own problems, me with pills, mikey with drinking,Dollie, the serial monogamist, lol..but just know that we have worried about you. We dont want you to feel as if we look down on you, because we do not, in any way...but just know that we all think of you, and wish that you were happy more often!
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