so today i did a huge room cleaning. it still looks messy but its coming together. and im trying to decorate a little for halloween or make the room look more like id like it too. i havent had my personality in my room for a while and i think its time to start doing that. i want it to look like me instead of just some stupid place i have to stay in and not really enjoy.

other then that im feeling pretty sick today. probably all that going out in the wind and hail storms. i finally started wearing my coat that day. i always try to put that off as long as i can hehe. and im feeling a little sad cause of how cerrtain things in my life are. but i think at this point ive just come to accept it. it still hurts of course, but im becoming less and less upset after the fact. just doing my own thing i guess. like i dont understand why ito cant just go get lunch with me. or how he could tell me how tired he is and doesnt wanna eat with me but then he cleans his whole room for a half an hour. its just beyond me. im not even gonna try to understand it anymore. just go do my own thing.cause its not worth the tears and anger. when he feels up for doing stuff then we'll do stuff and when hes not, im ust gonna try not to hate myself for it. nothing else i can do.

i talked to annie last night for a few hours. it was good to reconnect and just talk about randomness. i miss that a lot at time. i miss my friends that were not so complicated and expectant. things were so different with them and with me i suppose. its funny how much of a turmoil that was with her at times, but then at the the same time it was simple and comfortable. or comforting rather. i miss having that comforting.

its funny how sometimes i miss the life i never had. or just miss pieces of my life and wonder how things could have turned out differently. sometimes you just dont know what the good decisions are and what the bad decisions are. until your head first in them and there is hardly anything you can do to change it. god, i just want steadyness. i just want peace.