ugh. so...feeling empty tonight. dont know what it is. guess it begins again. im trying to avoid the stress but i can only do that for so long until it all piles up and i just freak. that should be tomorrow with the 10 page paper i have due wednesday and i still havent even picked a topic. go me. and then there is the life. ya know. the people and the boys. the things that just wont let up. and the shit that wont stop tugging at me. and the fact that i find it hard to find anyone to talk to anymore. you get so close to people and then they just arent there. over and over again. but i STILL dont fucking learn.
so im thinking of changing my hair. cause thats what i fuckin do when i get like this. haha so sad. but it seems to be the only thing i CAN change.
you know, when i went for my therapy intake last week i told them everything. well mostly everything. whatever i could without having a panick attack. i try not to cry there but there were things that i just couldt help it. and i tried to give them a clear picture with what went on with my family, the cutting, the drugs, the sex, the relationship. and only recently remembering sexual abuse. and you just kind of step outside of yourself. i try not to, but i feel like its hardly even me talking. when she asked me if i thought of killing myself...thats always a tricky question, cause i try to avoid it. ive avoided going to the hospital for these things so im careful. but i told her yeah. i think about it. i plan it out in my head. but i wasnt thinking of it then (cause i really wasnt) and i was kind of surprised. i was actually ok. and i told her "give it a week" so its been...3 days.
no im not thinking of killing myself. just...leaving for a while. shutting down and pretending its all not here. just dont let me escape too much. dont let me fade away. cause when i start having fights with people i love and care about onpurpose...i dont even consciously do it. it just happens and everyone is like wtf. and its me pulling away. to make it easier.
watch the descent.