Suit with girlfriend to benched hobo: 'Scuse me -- mind if I borrow one of your cigarettes?
Hobo: Well, all I've got are these Winstons...
Suit: Beggars can't be choosers.
Hobo: Yeah, tell me about it.
--Smith & Dean
Tourist: Excuse me, can I ask you a question? Where's the apple?
Tourist: You know, the big one? [Cop stares at her, then shrugs and points arbitrarily down Broadway.] Thanks!
Italian conductor over loudspeaker: Everyone, get the fuck away from the doors and get on this fucking train. Every fucking day the same shit. You're only hurting yourselves, morons! Fucking inconsiderate assholes. You either get on or get the fuck off!
Conductor #2: Mike, man, come on.
Italian conductor: Fuck this, man. We're going express!
--7 train, Junction Blvd
Professor: It's hard to sit there for two hours without a climax.
Teacher, on oral quizzes: ... And if you can satisfy me orally, you will receive a good grade.
--The Dalton School