Girlfriend: I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I just keep falling asleep at the oddest times. I think I may be suffering from necrophilia.
Boyfriend: I sure hope you mean narcolepsy.
Girlfriend: Oh, yeah. I always get those confused.
Boyfriend: Well, as long as it's only the definitions that you confuse and not the symptoms...
Hipster: The last time we were shrooming, I Febreezed the shit out of you.
--5th & 2nd
Chick on cell: I don't know what you're saying, but I have a ton of weed, so it doesn't matter.
--9th & 5th
Old, crunchy hipster: I'm all set -- I've got my weed in this pocket, and my granola bar in this one!
--Zappa Plays Zappa, Beacon Theater
Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I'm allergic to heroin.
--Duane Reade, 145th St
amphleteers: Take this pamphlet -- we swear we aren't fanatics!
Guy: I'm sure you aren't, unlike those Jews for Jesus assholes.
Pamphleteer: We are from Jews for Jesus! [Guy walks away laughing.]
--St. Mark's & 2nd
Dad: How was school today, buddy?
Three-year-old: Good... But my fucking truck broke.
--86th St & Central Park West
Smiling dad to giggling infant he's holding: Yeah, get yo' laugh on!
--49th & 10th
Cop to others: You know what's really fucking funny? Everybody around here looks fucking suspicious.
--Union Square (LOL SO TRUE)