Snobby woman to teenage girls talking: Decrescendo, girls. Do you know what that means? It's an operatic term for "lower your voices."
Teenage girl: Actually, "decrescendo" is a musical term for "get softer," and when you say get lower, you're actually referring to pitch, not volume.
--Metropolitan Opera Lobby
(cabbie cuts bus off, both cab and bus are stopped at traffic light. Bus driver opens his window)
Bus driver: I'm gonna hit one of you! You know, it's my goal to hit one of you people before I retire, it really is--you almost just made it happen! You people gotta learn someday! (turns to passenger) We're allowed one accident per year. I'm saving all of mine for that.
--M15 Bus to South Ferry
English professor: So who here is eligible to vote but isn't?
(student raises hand)
English professor: Why aren't you voting?
Ditzy Asian girl: I dunno... I just don't know who to vote for.
English professor: But...they're so different. They're like chocolate ice cream and...gravel.
Grandpa: Do we really have to take them to the fucking zoo?
Grandma (holding a pamphlet about the zoo): Look, this is the stupid shit that they're into, so this is where we gotta go.
Grandpa (pointing to a picture in the pamphlet): What the fuck is that? A chipmunk?
Grandma: It's a fucking rabbit!
--St. Mark's Place, Staten Island
Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being... Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.
--R Train (HAHA FOR REAL)
Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.
Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off... (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!
Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.
Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.